the visit.

today was unproductively eventful :] It started off with me waking up and not going to school, but i had an excuse, a semi good one.

once again, my tire is flat!
what the eff man.

I babysat and chilled with the sisters. Julz came over so we all hung out, ate some food, chit chatted about life, issues goin on, and such.

Highlight of the day:[not a current picture]

So we were talking about Barb today, and so I asked Julz if she wanted to go visit her. I've been visiting her atleast once a week for the past month or so, and I try to go as often as time will let me. Well anyway we got ready, picked andrew and headed to barb's.

Her place is a special place for me. I'm just at peace there. I can even be at my saddest state of mind, and feel alright with myself there. Like right then, at that very moment, I know everything will be alright. It's crazy right that even in her absence she still has that effect on me.

You see, Barbara Lee, was my best friend, and even though we didn't shout it out to the world ["BFF for life yadda yadda yadda"] we knew it. In our heart of hearts, we knew it, and in the end that's where it counts any way. We lived it up with nothing to prove, and I miss that. 100% genuine is what she was. There are only a handful of people in this world that are genuine, so when you befriend them, treat them right because they will be your forever friend...if you let them.

I can honestly say that when I lost her I changed, and the person I was with her seized to exist, and I became this new person with a different view on life. Now whether that's a good or bad thing, I don't know. I guess you'd only if you really knew the me when she was around and you really know me now, to compare the difference. Lately I've been realizing a lot of things about me, and frankly, I'm proud of myself. Nothing has ever come easy for me or my family. We've worked for everything we've got. The past couple of weeks I was down in the dumps. So down in the dumps I couldn't even fully celebrate my own graduation, but damn...

I graduated COLLEGE.
I, Jean Patrice San Agustin, Graduated College.

and that's more than most can say, and yeah maybe for me and to everyone else it was expected. School is just my thing. But what most don't know is that this last year in college was my hardest. I was tested in all aspects of my life while trying to just get through both semesters. I had to deal with my parents ordeal, family issues, friends, financial issues, work, school, and the list goes on. Don't get me wrong pitty is not wanted here because I am that much stronger because, HEY, I got through it. I might not be the underdog in school, but I've been the underdog in life. Game said it best...

"Hate it or love it
the underdog's on top."

For those that stood by me through it all, the good, the bad, the VERY bad, thank you very much. It meant the world to me, and I am very fortunate to have had you in my life through it all. For those that came in recent times and helped me in any way. Thank you very much you brightened up my day that much, and I hope to know you for the long run.

Back to Barb, and my day w. her. So we had a little picinic 'cuz that's just what we do when we visit. We bring food and sit and eat while we talk about all the good times with Barb. I know everytime I talk about her, she knows it. I could imagine her lookin' down while Im telling a story and laughing, saying "yeah, I remember that too." Gosh, I just miss her. I don't only miss her when I'm sad. I don't only miss her when I'm lonely. I always miss her. You never think when you meet someone just the profound change they might bring to your life, simply with their presence. It's crazy when I met her I woulda never thought four years later I'd be giving her eulogy.

Barbara Gloria Lee

You will always be missed.
Believe me...you were that loved.

I didn't realize just how much it effected me to lose her. I find myself always on the go. It's like I'm running and this whole time I never stopped to think just what it was I was running from, and now I realize what it was. It was time. For four years I have been running from time...because I figure I got to do it all before my time is cut. It's kind of a good mentality to have, but it can be hazardous freal. It's only good when you live that way with no fear. That even if you life was cut short you know with the time you did have you did everything you wanted. With me I never have enough time. I'm gettin back to that old me. Where if I got cut tomorrow I'd die happily knowing that I did everything 100%. *siiigghhhh* fucka new leaf...I'm on a whole notha tree. ya dig?